Professional vs Lifestyle Dommes - what's right for you?
My Domina friend Ms. Niebla (Fetlife) wrote most of this article with a few tips from me. I am sharing it here to expand knowledge about Dominas and how to approach them according to your needs and desires.
This article was originally posted on Fetlife:
(10) Professional vs Lifestyle Dommes - what's right for you? - Niebla | FetLife
This article is written in collaboration with professional domina Mistress @Kalyss_Mercury (FetLife Profile)
I steadily get messages from people looking for a domme, and every now and then I feel some of them are so specific in their desires, they should really be searching for a pro domme. A lot of people seem apprehensive about this, perhaps worried about reactions or consequences of various sorts. However, visiting a pro domme is often a perfectly viable option and nothing to be ashamed of. Your choice will depend on your desires, intentions and how much commitment you want to invest into your submissive exploration.
What’s a pro domme?
In the most simple terms the difference between a lifestyle domme and a professional domme, is that the latter receives money to provide a service. When I talk about professional dommes here, I am talking about established, experienced women who run a serious business. Not escorts who offer domme services and not college girls who make a little money on the side by selling their panties or playing "findommes". A pro domme is not a protected title for which you need a specific education, so if you have any doubt about her skills, ask for references. If she's serious in her work, chances are she has studied, attended courses, connected with people in the business and of course had tons of practice. Most serious pro dommes invest a lot into kink gear, wardrobe and their domme look and skills. And although it's a business, many pro dommes are also lifestyle dommes and truly enjoy dominating.
Many pro dommes see themselves as "service tops", their priority is ensuring the client gets the experience that was negotiated. So being clear about what you want is important! Pro dommes also have boundaries and activities they won't do - no matter how much you pay. But paying for domination gives you more freedom to try a lot of kink in a short time and the focus is more on your desires rather than the domme's needs.
You might consider a professional if:
You have specific wishes or kinks you want to explore, and aren't really interested in adapting to someone else's wishes.
You want to experiment in a safe environment. A skilled professional will tailor sessions to your experience level and adapt to your limits.
You are eager to jump in the deep end to explore edge play / risky BDSM elements like breath play, medical play, rope suspension, severe beating etc. There are lifestyle dommes skilled at these, but you do not want to take the chance with just anyone.
You are in a relationship or for other reasons are unable to commit emotionally to someone new.
You are simply curious about submission and want to "see what happens", rather than feeling submissive at heart.
For whatever reasons, you have difficulties finding a lifestyle domme that matches your desires and personality.
You want a clean and simple, no-fuss arrangement.
What’s a lifestyle domme?
When I talk about lifestyle dommes, I am simply referring to dominant women who enjoy being on top. They are more diverse than a Benetton ad. They might be dominant in the bedroom only, casual or full-time. They might want a serious relationship or just a sub for the night. They may or may not have an array of skills, outfits and toys. They may or may not enjoy service-oriented submission, humiliation, sadism, sexual intimacy or all of the above. Make sure you find one who is looking for the same activities and level of commitment as you. And just like with professionals, negotiation before connecting to play is essential. Dommes can't read your mind.
Playing with a lifestyle domme often requires more time and effort on the sub's part. The very definition of domination guides the style of these interactions - the dommes' desires come before yours. And because there are way more submissives than there are female dommes, lifestyle dommes have the pick of the crop, so you will have to stand out from the crowd to make yourself attractive to the available ladies.
You are better off finding a lifestyle domme if:
You genuinely want to serve, be useful and make your Mistress happy. This does not mean you can't have any kinks and dreams of your own, but that hers come first.
You want a deeper emotional relationship, whether a romantic one, a D/s relationship or just a playmate to connect and have fun with.
You are ready to commit emotionally and mentally, as well as physically. This does not mean you have to accept all her whims, but that you should be flexible within your limits.
You are ready to get out of your comfort zone and push yourself a little to adapt to her. This does not mean you need any prior experience, but that you are willing to expand your fetish horizons.
You want intimacy, sex and lots of cuddles. Pro dommes generally don't offer traditional vanilla sex in their sessions. So for a more involved relationship that includes more intimacy and sex, you're more likely to get that with a lifestyle domme. But far from all lifestyle dommes want this, so don’t make assumptions!
At the end of the day, pro dommes and lifestyle dommes can both offer you amazing kink experiences, but you must also look into what you have to offer back. So before messaging any type of domme, look at your own intentions. Why do you want to play with a domme? What are your desires - short and long term? What are you seeking in the connection - physical, emotional, psychological? What can you offer as a sub, as a lover, as a servant? How much time, effort or financial commitment are you willing and able to provide?
If you are willing and able to dedicate time and effort into building a relationship where the primary focus will be the domme's desires and where the exploration will happen according to her pace and availability, you probably want a lifestyle domme. If you are unsure how much time and dedication you have for this journey and just want to "test things out", a professional domina may suit your needs better.
Good luck in your journey!
Further reading:
Article by Ms Mercury about how to make your first contact with a domme (regardless of what type of domme you seek) https://www.kalyssmercury.com/library-mkm/2014/6/26/top-10-rules-for-your-1st-contact-with-a-mistress
If you are looking for a lifestyle domme, I suggest you read this post: https://fetlife.com/users/3381699/posts/3980669